Most of us think stress is the stuff happening around us. The deadlines. The kids. The bills. The health issues. The never-ending to-do list. The texts you haven’t answered. The laundry sitting in the dryer for the third day. The appointment you forgot to make. The work you’re already behind on.
And yes, all of that can be stressful. But there’s another kind of stress that I think we completely underestimate: the way we talk to ourselves while all of that is happening.
Pay attention to your thoughts for one day and you might be shocked by how much pressure you’re living under. You wake up tired and immediately think, Why am I still so tired? I shouldn’t need this much sleep. You look at your phone and think, I’m already behind. You see someone working out while you’re too exhausted to exercise and think, I need to get my act together. You sit down for ten minutes and instead of actually resting, you think about everything you should be doing. You finally get into bed and your brain starts going through everything you didn’t finish that day.
We do this constantly. And we’ve done it for so long that we don’t even recognize it as stress anymore.
Think about it. You’re tired, but instead of simply being tired, you’re mad at yourself for being tired. You’re overwhelmed, but instead of acknowledging that you have too much on your plate, you tell yourself you should be handling it better. You forget something and instead of thinking, Oops, I forgot, you think, What is wrong with me lately? You snap at your kids and instead of repairing it and moving on, you spend the rest of the day thinking you’re a terrible mom. You miss a workout and somehow one missed workout becomes evidence that you have no discipline.
We take completely normal human moments and turn them into evidence that we’re failing.
And if you’re dealing with chronic health issues, this can become even more intense because now you’re not just judging your life. You’re judging your body.
Why am I not better yet? What am I doing wrong? Why did that symptom come back? Was it something I ate? Did I exercise too much? Did I not exercise enough? Am I missing something? Should I be taking something else? Why can everyone else do this and I can’t?
You can become so consumed with trying to heal that healing itself becomes one of the biggest sources of stress in your life.
You wake up checking how you feel. You go to bed thinking about how you feel. Every symptom gets analyzed. Every bad day needs an explanation. Every flare feels like a setback. And without realizing it, the message running underneath your entire day becomes, Something is wrong. I need to fix it. Something is wrong. I need to fix it.
Imagine if another person followed you around all day saying the things you say to yourself. You’re behind. You should be doing more. Why are you so tired? You should feel better by now. Hurry up. Try harder. Everyone else is handling this better than you. What’s wrong with you?
You wouldn’t find that person motivating. You’d find them exhausting.
Yet for so many of us, that person lives inside our own head.
And maybe the most exhausting thought of all is the one that sounds completely reasonable: I’ll finally be okay when…
I’ll be okay when my symptoms are gone. When I lose the weight. When my hormones are balanced. When I have more energy. When I get caught up. When the house is clean. When work slows down. When the kids get older. When life settles down.
Then I’ll relax.
Except life rarely completely settles down. There is always another load of laundry. Another email. Another problem to solve. Another goal. Another thing you could improve. And suddenly you’ve spent years waiting for your life to become perfect enough to give yourself permission to feel okay.
This is why nervous system work isn’t just about doing another breathing exercise.
You can do ten minutes of breath work in the morning and spend the rest of the day rushing yourself. You can meditate and still be terrified of every sensation in your body. You can do somatic exercises and still tell yourself you’re lazy every time you rest. You can take every supplement, eat all the right foods, get morning sunlight, exercise, sleep eight hours and still spend your entire day mentally telling yourself that you’re behind, inadequate or not doing enough.
Sometimes the next piece of nervous system work isn’t something else you need to do. Sometimes it’s noticing how you’re treating yourself while you’re already doing your best.
And this isn’t about pretending everything is wonderful or forcing yourself to think positive. It’s about noticing how much unnecessary pressure, fear, urgency and shame you may be adding to completely ordinary moments.
Maybe you’re tired because you’re tired. You don’t need to turn it into a character flaw. Maybe you didn’t get everything done because there were more things to do than hours in the day. Maybe you forgot something because you’re human. Maybe you can have a symptom without immediately trying to figure out what you did wrong. Maybe you can have a hard day without deciding you’re going backward. Maybe you can rest without earning it first.
Maybe you can be okay before everything is okay.
Start listening to the thoughts you’ve gotten so used to hearing that you don’t even notice them anymore. I should be doing more. I’m behind. Hurry up. What’s wrong with me? I’ll be happy when…
And when you catch one, you don’t need some perfect affirmation to replace it. Just talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love. I’m tired today and that’s okay. I didn’t get everything done. There’s always tomorrow. My body is having a hard day. I don’t need to be afraid of it. I’m allowed to rest. I don’t have to rush. I don’t have to figure everything out today.
Because maybe one of the most healing things you can do for your nervous system is stop making yourself another thing you have to survive.
Your body is listening to the conversation in your head all day long. Make sure some of what it hears is kind.
And this is exactly why I believe self-compassion is one of the most overlooked pieces of nervous system healing. You can learn every regulation tool in the world, but if the voice you live with all day is constantly creating pressure, shame, fear and urgency, your body is still getting the message that something is wrong.
You can’t bully your body into feeling safe.
This is also why I’m so excited about my upcoming Nervous System Capacity Building Series. I was able to bring in Dr. Kristin Neff, the world’s leading self-compassion expert and researcher, to teach an entire workshop on this exact piece.
To say I’m excited is a massive understatement.
If you’re ready to heal your nervous system, your health, and the way you move through your life, you can sign up below.
